I think…I marvel…about going out tomorrow.
Tomorrow is the day of joy; a day when I don’t need to run away from my work; because it has let me free. I walk comfortably…thinking…marvelling at the beautiful day that calls me.
I call her. I ask her out for a movie.
She denies. She slams the door. I feel…weird. No pain. I recall my strangeness in perception and behavior. I recall that I seldom understand people; and, vice versa, people seldom understand me. I imagine I just made up that slamming-the-door story. She really has some pressing work. I slap myself in the face. I feel disappointed that she’s not there. But I really want to watch that movie. Big deal if she’s not with me.
I call them one by one. Some don’t pick up the phone. I think, “What the *BEEP*!!” I smile because I realise how my vocabulary changed from my first call to the present one. I am a man with two faces. Everybody is!
Those who pick up the phone…well…they answer. Some say they have seen the movie. Others say it is a load of shit.
Nobody is with me. I feel like I have fallen into oblivion. I recover. I make up my mind. I will prove that I can be a solitary eagle. I decide to go alone. Big deal if they’re not with me.
I reach there. I see myself smack in the middle of an ocean; an ocean of humans. I find it rather weird. I wonder why. I have been in the same place under the same situation for the umpteenth time now. I spin around, again without a particular reason. I see colors…and happiness. Couples walking past holding hands, toddlers trotting around, their parents running after them, men chit-chatting in groups, women dressed in lovely clothes. Everybody is looking relaxed, talking and laughing loudly, as if there is no tomorrow for them to worry about. The entire place is effusing joy and din.
I see the guys. They say Hi. I return the wishes. They ask why I’m alone. I smirk. I say I wanted to be alone. LIAR… Somebody just says that from behind me. I turn around. Nobody seems to be there.
I enter the cinema. I don’t watch the movie. I look around. Everybody is enjoying. I feel bad. I curb my anger and sorrow and shout, “BIG DEAL”. Everybody looks at me. I feel unabashed. Big deal!
I get out. I lean against the grill to look down. Why is she not with me? Why have they abandoned me? Tears start coming in my eyes. I feel dizzy. I start falling…I keep on falling. It seems to be a lifetime. I pray to God to make my last moments painless. And painless it is. It seems like I fall on a bed of feathers. Then some divine touch on my chest. Followed by a drop of water that scorches my skin.
I wake up startled. I see her weeping beside me. I look around. I am in a hospital room. I try to get up. I can’t. I hold her hand. She looks up and smiles in the midst of tears.
“Your friends brought you here. You’ll be alright”, she says.
I force a false smile to her; a smile which could not cover guilt; guilt of misunderstanding her and them again…
I wonder, “Who invented the term “Big deal” anyway?”