More Evil Laughs

Well.. I got so obsessed with my own poor jokes that I dug them out from old tweets and FB status messages.. so here’s more…

1.
SS: Why didn’t you come to the Halloween party?
Me: I was there.
SS: Oh really, what costume?
Me: The Invisible Man

2.
Me (after the MAITRI Diwali night): The name MAITRI (NCSU Indian Grad Student Assoc.) makes sense. By charging $3 for the party, they are making me part with MY THREE dollars.

3.
(Not exactly what transpired, but this version is better)
My mom: Kiran bought a car. That’s huge!!!
Me: You mean, like a Limo?

4.
Obama snatched the Nobel Prize from me.. Now I’m gonna try for the No-Whistle prize.

5.
Q: Which is the favorite day of the year for environmentalists?
A: St.Patricks Day. Because it is totally green.

6.
FB status: I saw her. I felt that the force was strong with that one. It indeed was! Now I have five fingers engraved on my cheek! God! I should stop watching Star Wars!

7.
Me: I see two hot chicks in front of KFC, and the first thought that comes to my mind is “Oh boy! They are in a dangerous neighborhood. They may get caught and fried!”

8.
Me: What if a house stands right through a timezone border in US? Will half of the house be 1 hour ahead of the other half?

9.
FB Status: Facebook suggested “Wed at 12:24 pm”. I thought, “Okay. Do I at least get to know who I’m gonna wed?” Then I realized it meant Wednesday!

10.
Me: I was wondering…. Saas sans saans is just a dead mother-in-law.

Muhahahah!

I think I have a sense of humour. It’s just that some people call it good and some people call it bad.
Sometimes I crack the lamest of jokes (Yes I know!) but you should give me some credit, because I have had the history of humiliating other self-proclaimed PJs by simply dominating over them (whenever I’m on a roll, that is).

So, just for the record.. just to prove that my jokes are actually good.. just to make you regret calling me a bad joker.. here’s a mashup of bad jokes, good jokes, puns and (as some people call it) being a jerk, which I cracked out of spontaneity, and can now recall.
I am so sorry folks, but you unleashed this onto yourselves. You called me bad.

Note: Some names have been changed for anonymity, or because I had no idea who that was.

1.
ARN: Kate is hot. But I think Megan is hotter.
Me: Yeah… Megan is like Kate in an oven.

2.
DAG: I just had 2 shots of Vodka and I got high.
PS: What? It is not called “getting high”. You don’t get high on drinking alcohol.
Me: Yes you will. If you are on the second floor while drinking, you are about 10 feet high above the ground.

3.
Me: Why do we have smelly feet and runny nose? Shouldn’t it be the other way around?

4.
Me: There are two types of Bengalis in the world – Sen’s and Non-Sen’s

5.
Me: I think the Danish people actually immigrated from West Bengal.
ARN: Why? (Making an expression of regret that he prompted, the very next second)
Me: Because everyone’s name ends with a Sen in Denmark.

6.
Me: Women make men complete! On second thought, Raymonds suit also does!

7.
Malayalam
———
Ge: ഞാന്‍ പിന്നിട്ട വഴികളിലേക്ക് തിരിഞ്ഞു നോക്കുമ്പോള്‍
Me: നിന്നോട് ആരാടാ വഴിയില്‍ pin ഇടാന്‍ പറഞ്ഞത്? അത് ആരുടെയെങ്കിലും കാലില്‍ തറചാലോ?

That’s all I can remember now. I hope some of you enjoyed them, but my real satisfaction will come when some of you bang your head against the wall out of frustration. This list will grow in future.

Deepak needs

Back after a long time.. Unfortunately, I think this trend will continue till I graduate.

This one is an interesting tag. All you have to do is google for “<first_name> needs”, where you replace <first_name> with your first name, and list out 10 interesting and sensible sentences from the results that you get. Also add your commentary with each sentence, so that we know what your thoughts are about Google’s thoughts.

1. Deepak needs a girl
– Haha.. Some of my friends keep telling me this. But I can find one myself, thank you very much. I just don’t have time right now.

2. Deepak needs to comes to terms with the fact that he cannot dispassionately evaluate the hearts of conservatives or their paradigm [of] life.
– Although I don’t approve of the conservative theology, I wonder… Did I offend some conservatives recently? (BTW, This entire sentence did come up in the Google result! Do you think I’m capable of making up stuff like this? Okay.. well. I am, but I haven’t. )

3. Deepak needs to get his damn facts straight.
– Yeah right!

4. Deepak needs a good sponsorship deal.
– I wouldn’t say no to that!

5. Deepak needs to buy a biology book.
– For what? I already know all “important” stuff.

6. Deepak needs to stick to speaking which he does well.
– Opinions differ on my speaking ability.

7. Deepak needs to know that people love reality but that too in a fiction like manner.
– Hey. Don’t I do that already? Don’t I add bountiful amounts of bells and whistles (a.k.a masala in Indian circles) to all my stories.

8. Deepak needs to go. Now.
– The only result which makes some sense!

9. Deepak needs to take a bow.
– What about arrows then? A bow is useless without arrows.

10. Deepak needs no introduction at all.
– Hear! Hear!

The following people are tagged:

  • Rinchen Dorjee – Wake up, dear senior! (Although I don’t deserve to say this when I’m asleep myself!)
  • Rahul – Serious guy. But lets see if he has a funny side, and time to kill.
  • Kandy – Just to see if he gets 10 results at all with his uncommon name.
  • Lakshmi – Friend, GTalk comrade, and chatterbox.

Like it… and not

I like…

  1. cracking really good (or bad?) PJs (poor jokes a.k.a. pun)
  2. people who really make some impact in the world whether in a large scale, or in grassroot level
  3. talking to people
  4. listening to people who talk and are ready to listen back
  5. the fact that I never hold grudges
  6. when I always give people a second chance to be good
  7. people who are open to the possibility that their religious principles may be imperfect and needs constant tuning
  8. smell of fresh rain
  9. free hugs (or “Jadoo Ki Chappi”)
  10. to wear seatbelts
  11. to drive fast and safe
  12. cryptic crosswords
  13. Jennifer Aniston
  14. anything made of potatoes
  15. spirituality
  16. knowing more about cultures around the world
  17. movies
  18. the sheer beauty of life

I hate…

  1. when someone asks, “So why don’t you tell me a PJ?” PJs have to come spontaneously
  2. candlelight protests which don’t seem to convey anything useful to anyone
  3. introverts who don’t open up even after I try hard to include them in a conversation
  4. people who boast
  5. when I have sudden bursts of anger
  6. when people don’t give me a second chance to show that the angry me is not the real me
  7. people who are narrow-minded with respect to religion
  8. smell of Chinese soy sauce
  9. any kind of formality at my home
  10. when people break traffic rules
  11. sitting on the other front seat when someone else is driving
  12. riddles
  13. Aiswarya Rai
  14. anything with Coriander/Cilantro added in it
  15. materialism
  16. when people have a very cliched view of my culture
  17. killing sentient animals for food, sport and vanity
  18. Cricket
  19. people who don’t know how to value life

This list will keep growing.

Mysteries of the mundane

  • Why do I feel lonely in a crowd?
  • Why does every doctor have a handwriting which looks like a 1-year old trying to get nasty with a pen and paper?
  • How is the pharmacist able to read the prescription of any doctor, while others can’t read even one?
  • Why do I get angry for little nothings?
  • Why do I choose to be a pacifist for big somethings?
  • Why do I torture myself mentally for a fault which is not mine?
  • Why is it that I want to talk to my mother when I wallow in self-pity?
  • Why is my mother the only person I know who can bring me back out of the vortex?
  • Is it a gift or a curse to be unable to hate anybody?
  • Why is the world so ruthless?
  • Why do I want to live in a wonderland, and not come to terms with the harsh realities?
  • Why do I have the feeling that I’m not doing what I am supposed to do?
  • Why, then, is this feeling so fickle?
  • How do I find enough topics to talk for 45 minutes every other day to my mom?
  • Is there a meaning in another dimension to my idiosyncrasies?
  • Who am I?

The freak of nature

There I was again, all by myself, out in the scorching sun. There was no one by my side. Of course, that was not new. I can’t remember a time when people actually understood me.

Few liked me, because I was not like most. I didn’t know all the intricately false formalities. I was the freak of nature. But was it so wrong to be like that? I asked, what is the relevance of pretense in social life? The same people who talked about “being yourself”, were so fake. I was just walking the talking. Was that so wrong?

I got no answer.

I craved social life. I just didn’t know how to get it. Did I need to change myself? Did I have to snatch friendliness from people? I didn’t know if I could.

Could people actually look past all these shells of pretense? I found out the answer the hard way. No one does initially. You have to condition them to look past the shells, and see the real you.

This is my internal struggle. I don’t know when I can win it. But if you read this, please know that there is more to freaks than meets the eye.

V Day or I Day?

Feb 14th.

No chocolate for guessing what is so significant about this date.

But I bet you would have guessed it wrong about the significance of today w.r.t. me (with respect to. Anyone remember calculus?)

Instead of getting a date, I got a phone call… from my parents. And they wished me Happy Birthday! A birthday that even I came to know of, only after the call. Before you get all confused, today is my birthday according to Indian Calendar. And because I don’t have an Indian Calendar here in US, I didn’t know earlier. Oh, I just love being Indian. You can have two birthdays per year!

Anyway, it came as a pleasant surprise, because I had absolutely no plans for today. Now I can celebrate, and not look like an ass slacking on Valentine’s day.

Also, I called my brother, and I talked to him like I talk to my mom – for 45 minutes. The only difference was that we talked about some subjects, which I never dare talk to my mom. It spanned topics like my theory about his craze for Telugu movies (His secret Telugu Girlfriend! Not so secret any more!), about our parents’ trip to Mettupalayam today, how to survive in the cutthroat world of office, my plans for Valentine’s day, his plans, and of course, Ram Sene.

  1. My brother didn’t know that my parents were going to Mettupalayam today. When he asked me why, I said in my usual fashion, that they were going to Black Thunder themepark to rediscover their childhood. He replied back with an impromptu punchline, “Paada Parambil keri Golf kalikkalle Mone Dineshaa” (Don’t play Golf in barren land. To understand what he meant, read this post, section 6.1)
  2. I told him how to proactively cut the throat of those who are planning to cut your throat. You can even mention that during your appraisal, as an example of how proactive you are.
  3. My plans for V-Day – Eat, study, sleep.
  4. His plans for V-Day – Eat, work, sleep when the manager is not around.
  5. My brother told me about Ram Sene’s threat that they will forcibly marry off any couple they see on roads. He was talking about how the mob was a bunch of sexually frustrated losers who wanted an excuse to grope girls. I couldn’t help but crack this joke that there may be gays in Ram Sene, so boys are not safe either. (I am sorry if this is insensitive, but this is how I will show my protest, because I can’t do anything about it from US)

So, because today is my birthday, I’m gonna celebrate it by ordering a pizza and the delicious Chocolate Breadsticks from Pizza Hut.

PS: I generally don’t talk about my Indian birthday outside, because it is strictly for family. But today was too much of a coincidence!

PPS: On an entirely different note, an important event occured yesterday, which will never occur again. At 6:31pm, the UNIX timestamp struck the value of 1234567890. But the trouble-seeker that I am, I accidentally slept across the iconic moment, and incurred the wrath of all UNIX enthusiasts.

Anger Management

How often do you keep your cool when some stranger hits in your head with a rolled booklet? Have you ever had such experience at all? I did! A couple of days back! And I totally kept my cool!

This happened at the career fair. After standing in long queues, I got tired and came back to the lobby to have a seat. Ahh. The plush comfort of the couch! What can be more satisfying than having a coke in a couch? Apparently, checking my email was ! So I took my iPod touch out and started reading email.

Suddenly someone hit me on my head. I was startled for a moment. I quickly looked up to see which of my pestering friends it was, but to my further surprise, it was a total stranger. She froze for a moment. I had a temptation to shout “Someone call 911. I’m being attacked!” in typical Deepak-style. But I thought there were way too many people there, and someone might panic.

Anyway, after the moment of shock sunk in, the lady started apologizing to me. Apparently, the top view of my head looked like that of someone she knew. I was looking down as I was reading email, so my face apparently was not that visible. The only thing I felt about the whole “mishap” was amusement. Now, that was interesting. Because, had this happened 5 years back, I would have been real angry… even if it was a stranger.

There used to be a time when I used to get angry very easily. I used to scare away a great deal of people, who thought that I was not worthy of their friendship because I was rude. But only I knew that I was not rude. It was just… I would get angry very fast.  But as if to counter that shortcoming, I never ever held a grudge against anyone. I would forget that in a matter of hours.

I have become better and better at curbing my anger, since my undergraduate days, and although I haven’t rooted it out yet, I can be happy that the last time I got angry at anyone was several months ago. There have been three key people who have helped me get better at controlling my rage.

Deepu Chandran, who has been a great friend of mine, even after I did this to him. He has advised me a great deal on the need to remain calm, and how to do it.

My father, who I consider an epitome of calmness. I have never seen him get angry in his life. (Although he acts like he is angry sometimes, for example, when he doesn’t get food on time, he is a really bad actor.)

Thirdly, my mother, who is a good example that you can control your anger if you try hard. Recalling my childhood days, I remember that she used to be really short tempered. But nowadays, I would say she can give my dad a run for his money. She once said that one important thing in keeping your anger at bay was to not attach yourself to anything materialistic.

I have understood through the course of time how important is it to prevent yourself from getting angry. Anger, as I know it, doesn’t help in anything productive. It only lengthens the distance between two people. It doesn’t ease your tension. It doesn’t free your mind. It is an unnecessary and potentially dangerous vestige of human nature. I strive to be free of anger all the time.

Looking at this incident, I’m sure I have improved a lot. I was initially apprehensive about whether I was just not showing my anger because it was a stranger or because it was a girl. But I asked myself, if I was angry inside, about the incident, and the answer was “Not at all!”

It snowed!

It seemed a normal enough day today, when I went out to the bus stop just outside my apartment to catch the “Greek Village” bus to my work. It was 12.30pm. The temperature was around 40 F(5 C) when I last checked.

I went out. It was really colder compared to yesterday. I had to wear my gloves to save my palms from getting numb. There was the familiar and boring whoosh sound as cars and trucks sped by.

Then it suddenly turned into a dreamland. A hint of something white! What looked like tiny cotton pieces falling from thin air! It was snowing!

This was the first snowfall I have witnessed in my life; I was beaming, and I could keep my composure well within limits, although I did that Bill Murray-ish strut, which was a visible indication that I was so excited. I have never been happier in several months. So I just decided to share my happiness with my poor blog, which I have been neglecting since I started my grad studies.

I couldn’t take a video of this historic moment, but history will repeat itself, so I’ll take a video and post it the next time it snows.

Now, I have a tag from the one and only Miladysa – a tag called Random & Weirdly Meme. It is a bit weird that I keep getting tags about weird things everytime, but everyone is allowed to be weird once or twice, so it is not really weird to be weird.

The rule is to share 7 facts about yourself – some random, some weird.

#1 – I saw snow for the first time in my life today. (What else were you expecting as first fact?)

#2 – One of my favorite hobbies while in school was inventing nicknames with my cousin to bully my younger brother. I can remember about 20 different names from the top of my head now, but I’m sure there were more. My favorite one must be NKVKMKM, which had a very interesting full form. I won’t disclose it here.

#3 – I used to steal buttermilk from the refrigerator as a kid. The habit hasn’t died till date. Even today, I prefer drinking buttermilk when nobody’s watching.

#4 – I scored an almost high 28 on an online Asperger Syndrome test, but I don’t believe it.

#5 – I am really (unbelievably) bad at Cricket. I can’t play well, and I don’t follow cricket.

#6 – I’ve been using the same wrist watch for 11 years now. And I don’t even like it.

#7 – Weekends in Raleigh are boring because I don’t have a car, and there’s no public transit on weekends.

Now tagging 7 people is the part I don’t like. So I tag everyone who reads this. 😛

Forty winks

The Rain Tree tagged me with a wake up call, and expected me to be the first to respond. I’ll be a gentleman (Ahem!) and oblige her. Moreover, this will probably be the last post before I leave India on 23rd.

Last movie seen in a theater:
If you count sleeping in the theater as watching a movie, it was “Love Story 2050”

What book are you reading?
The Meaning of It All: Thoughts of a Citizen Scientist by Richard Feynman

Favorite board game:
Monopoly

Favorite magazine:
It had been Reader’s Digest till around 2000.
I have the entire collection of RD from 1994 to 2000 in my personal library.
Nowadays I don’t read magazines.

Favorite smells:
Smell of fresh rain

Favorite sounds:
Sound of sea waves at a beach, Heavy wind blowing through the trees, the sound of music, saxophone

Worst feeling in the world:
Tension. I feel like my head will explode any moment.

What is the first thing you think of when you wake up?
I affirm that just for today, I won’t get angry, will work with integrity, will be kind to all and will be grateful for all the good things in my life.

Favorite fast food place:
Subway

Future child’s name:
That would be far-fetched because I haven’t even started thinking about my future wife.

Finish this statement, “If I had a lot of money I’d…”
I’ll roam around the world, and if there is still money left, I’ll set up a charity fund.

Do you drive fast?
Fast and Furious with a car. Bit lousy with a two-wheeler.

Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?
No. Never had a stuffed animal in my life.

Storms – Cool or Scary?
Cool. I love ’em, as long as trees are not uprooted.

Do you eat the stems on broccoli?
I hate broccoli

If you could dye your hair any color, what would be your choice?
Black. 😛

Name all the different cities/towns you have lived in:
Palakkad, Calicut, Pune, Trivandrum, Bangalore

Favorite sports to watch:
Formula 1, Football

One nice thing about the person who sent this to you:
Bubbly, Smiles heartily in all her pictures.

What’s under your bed?
Simple answer for a simple question. A cot!

Would you like to be born as yourself again?
Tough question to answer. I like the way I am, but if possible I would not like to have rebirth.

Morning person or night owl?
Night Owl

Over easy or sunny side up?
Over easy

Favorite place to relax:
Home, My best buddy’s home

Favorite pie:
Don’t like pie

Favorite ice cream flavor:
Hot Chocolate Fudge.

You pass this tag to:
It ought to be sleeping ones. So Miladysa, Vinay and Sanjuz

Of all the people you tagged this to, who’s most likely to respond first?
Honestly, no idea. I would bet on Miladysa though.